


Ninety-Eight and Three-Quarters Percent Guaranteed

by crankypanda



Category: Big Bang (Band), GTOP (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-19
Updated: 2015-11-19
Packaged: 2018-05-02 09:26:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5243147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crankypanda/pseuds/crankypanda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The story of how GD, T.O.P, and their daughter become the newest family on Superman is Back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ninety-Eight and Three-Quarters Percent Guaranteed

**Author's Note:**

> This story is dedicated to my BFF El (ricebowling on AFF), without whom I would never have gotten into Big Bang (and would probably still have a life). 
> 
> The title is taken from _Oh, The Places You'll Go!_ by Dr. Seuss, specifically this bit: "And will you succeed? Yes, indeed, yes, indeed! (98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)"

Jiyong doesn't like being the bad cop. But someone's got to discipline Nari, and it sure as hell isn't going to be Seunghyun, who still leaves his clothes strewn all over their bedroom floor and thinks the dishes in the sink magically wash themselves.

Seunghyun definitely can't be trusted to teach Nari proper nutrition. They're sitting at the dining table, and while Jiyong's trying to coax Nari into eating the sliced fruit he arranged into a smiley face on her plate, Seunghyun is munching on a Pop Tart in between gulps of sugary coffee.

Jiyong spears a cube of persimmon with his fork and offers it to Nari. "Say _ah."_

She wrinkles her nose. "No," she says, and goes back to playing with her miniature Bearbrick. 

"Are you sure? It's really yummy," Jiyong says. To prove it, he plucks another piece from the plate and pops it into his mouth. "Mmmmm." He flashes her a big smile before swallowing. "Now don't you want some too?"

She looks unimpressed. "No."

Jiyong sticks his lower lip out in an exaggerated pout. "Please?"

"No," she repeats, firmly.

"Your tricks don't work nearly as well on her as they do on me," Seunghyun observes, amused. 

Jiyong scowls at him. "You're not helping." He turns back to Nari. "You can't watch Tayo until you finish eating breakfast."

She seems to consider this for a moment. Jiyong thinks that maybe she finally gets it, until she points to Seunghyun's half-eaten Pop Tart. 

"That one?" she asks hopefully.

"This isn't a negotiation," Jiyong says, exasperated. 

Seunghyun, the traitor, only laughs.

*

Eventually Jiyong manages to get Nari to eat everything _except_ the fucking persimmons, and even convinces her to finish a glass of milk. It's not nearly enough, but he doesn't want to push his luck. After wiping off her milk mustache, he lets her slide off her high chair and toddle into the living room. The giant bow on her head bounces with each step.

"Welcome to the terrible twos," Jiyong says. Seunghyun pats his hand sympathetically and slides the box of Pop Tarts in front of him. 

Jiyong's demolished one Pop Tart and started on a second when Seunghyun suddenly says, "Do you remember Donghwan?"

"Soohyuk's ex? What about him?"

"I ran into him last night, at the studio." Seunghyun's been doing the talk show rounds lately, promoting his new movie. "He's a producer at KBS now." 

"Oh. Good for him." Jiyong doesn't really know what else to say. Donghwan and Soohyuk broke up more than a year ago, and they weren't even together for very long.

Seunghyun studies his empty coffee cup before speaking again. "He asked me if we'd be interested in appearing on one of their shows."

Jiyong frowns. "We? As in both of us?"

"No." Seunghyun hesitates, then says, "As in three of us."

*

"I can't believe you're even considering it," Jiyong says a few days later.

"I just thought it would be nice," Seunghyun replies. "To show people that we're, you know. Normal." 

They're on the patio, lounging on two of Seunghyun's Pierre Jeanneret chairs. Hyeyoun dropped Yeonjun off after breakfast, and now he and Nari are running around the garden, whacking each other with toy lightsabers. There's a plate of cookies waiting for them on the table. Later, they'll play with building blocks, then eat lunch, then take naps. Youngbae and Hyorin are coming over for dinner.

Jiyong thinks back to the months after they first came out: the initial shock, the interminable backlash, the gradual, grudging acceptance.

"Yeah," he says, already mentally going through his schedule. "I guess we are."

*

Calls are made, meetings are held, contracts are signed. KBS makes an announcement, and Jiyong confirms the news via Instagram. The post gets more than 500,000 likes in less than an hour.

Kwanghee gets a month's worth of _Infinite Challenge_ sketches out of it, pretending to be auditioning to be Nari's babysitter. Jaesuk and Myungsoo play Seunghyun and Jiyong, respectively.

*

Running a record label, Jiyong's learned, involves very little actual music-making. Most of his time at work is spent either sitting in meetings - with artists and managers, but also _lawyers_ and _accountants_ \- or holed up in his office, poring over contracts and financial reports.

He's about to enter the recording studio to check on Mino's progress when his secretary - he has a _secretary_ \- intercepts him and presents a stack of documents for his signature. Twenty minutes later, he hands her the last sheet of paper and pushes the door open.

Hanbin's hunched over the soundboard, fiddling with the controls as music blares over the speakers. Mino's sitting on the sofa, head tipped back and eyes closed, tapping his foot to the beat.

Hanbin cuts the music when Jiyong walks in. "Hyung," he says by way of greeting. Mino opens his eyes and salutes.

Jiyong plops down next to Mino. "How's it going?"

Mino groans.

"We're about a week behind schedule," Hanbin says cheerfully. "We spent two days recording the same fucking line thanks to Donald Duck over there."

"I had a fucking _cold,_ okay."

"Oh, is that what they're calling hangovers these days?"

"Children," Jiyong says, in a quiet, authoritative tone honed by years of impersonating Hyunsuk. They immediately snap to attention. "What is this, _Intimate Note?_ Let's hear some fucking music." 

While Hanbin cues up their finished tracks, Mino turns to Jiyong and says, "Hey, when do you guys start filming for the baby show?"

Jiyong shrugs. "When Seunghyun's done promoting his movie. We haven't set a date yet." They haven't really done anything aside from agree to be on the show. 

"You should do it in December," Mino says. "After my comeback."

"How considerate of you," Jiyong says wryly.

"He wants to be on the show," Hanbin explains.

"I'm already taking care of two kids," Jiyong says. "I don't think I can handle a third."

Hanbin cackles. 

Mino looks wounded. "I'm telling Youngbae-hyung you're a deadbeat dad," he says.

*

Parenthood means making sacrifices. It means Jiyong's Aventador is gathering dust in the garage because it doesn't have room for a car seat. It means all of Seunghyun's beloved furniture has been thoroughly childproofed. It means they've both quit smoking.

It means that when Soohyuk calls on a Friday night and invites them to a new club that's just opened in Gangnam, they have to say no.

"We can't stay out late," Jiyong says as he roots around Nari's closet for her striped Comme des Garcons shirt. "Nari has a playdate in the morning."

"A playdate," Soohyuk repeats, flatly. "Jesus Christ."

Jiyong finds the shirt and pulls it out. "Sorry. Next time."

"That's what you said last time," Soohyuk says. "God, we should just change our name to Oldthang."

Jiyong promises to have dinner with him next week and hangs up. He lays the shirt on Nari's rarely-used bed and goes back to the closet. He's going through Nari's bottoms when Seunghyun walks in.

"Which goes better with that shirt?" Jiyong asks, holding up a pair of distressed jeans in one hand and polka-dotted leggings in the other.

"It's a playdate, not a fashion show," Seunghyun says. 

"And Bearbricks are toys, not collectibles," Jiyong retorts. He picks the jeans and places them next to the shirt. "How did story time go?"

"Great," Seunghyun replies. "We read _Horton Hears A Who._ My monkey impression was a hit." Seunghyun's been on a Dr. Seuss trip lately, because he likes the books' positive subliminal messages about equality.

"You should do that on the show," Jiyong says. "Wear the gorilla suit while you're at it."

"They are completely different animals," Seunghyun says.

It never ceases to amaze Jiyong how someone as really, really, ridiculously good-looking as Seunghyun can be so fucking nerdy.

"I want a divorce," he announces. "I'm citing fraud. I thought I was marrying Choi Seunghyun, but I got David Attenborough instead."

"As long as I get custody of the Bearbricks," Seunghyun says.

*

A producer (not Donghwan) comes to the villa one day. He's a bit early, and Jiyong's so preoccupied responding to emails that he never makes it to the bathroom and ends up answering the door in a shirt splattered with Nari's handprints.

"Fingerpainting," he says sheepishly. Not-Donghwan smiles.

Jiyong leads him to the living room, where Seunghyun's sitting on the Sergio Rodrigues sofa, Nari curled up on his lap. Over tea and rice cakes, Not-Donghwan explains the show's logistics.

"Basically, you'll care for Nari alone for forty-eight hours," he says. "During this period, you can either do tasks that GD-ssi has assigned to you, or do your own activities. We'll film continuously, from the time GD-ssi leaves until he gets back, then choose around fifteen minutes' worth of footage to air."

"Wait, who says I'm staying home?" Seunghyun says, frowning.

"This was your idea," Jiyong reminds him. "I have two comebacks and a debut to oversee."

"You can always switch places later on," Not-Donghwan says placatingly. Seunghyun's a little terrifying when he glares. "I mean, the show's about kids and their dads, and you're both dads, so."

"Dad," Nari repeats, patting Seunghyun's face.

They give Not-Donghwan the grand tour of the villa, so he can see what the camera crew will be working with. Seunghyun carries Nari on his shoulders as they move from room to room.

In the kitchen, Not-Donghwan gestures to the marble countertop and says, "We'll mount a camera there, so we can film you cooking meals for the family."

"Now I see why I'm the one staying home," Seunghyun jokes.

*

They run out of Nari's favorite chocolate milk one night, which leads to an argument over who didn't buy enough of it the last time they did the groceries, which in turn leads to an argument over who should go out and buy more. Nari wails like a banshee the entire time.

Jiyong ends up running to the supermarket down the street just to shut her and Seunghyun up. He's standing in the middle of the dairy products aisle, trying to decide if he should get a six-pack or just spring for a gallon, when a girl approaches him, blushing furiously, and asks for a picture.

He's wearing pajamas underneath his Balmain jacket, but Jiyong is a consummate professional and obligingly takes a selfie with her.

"I can't wait to watch you on the show, oppa," she says. "Nari's so cute."

Jiyong smiles and thanks her, and she takes her leave with a bow. 

He brings home three gallons of chocolate milk, only to find their intended recipient fast asleep on their bed. Seunghyun's out on the balcony, an unlit cigarette dangling between his fingers. He looks exhausted.

"For someone so small," he says, when Jiyong joins him, "she can make a fuckton of noise. I'm pretty sure there are people in Jeju who heard her screaming bloody murder."

"What finally calmed her down?" 

"Nothing," Seunghyun says. "I tried everything. She cried until she ran out of steam, then she passed out." 

Jiyong smiles. "You think we should send her back to the factory?"

Seunghyun huffs out a laugh. "I think we're past the two-year warranty."

Before the announcement, all anyone outside their circles knew of Nari was their joint press release announcing her adoption. But now, photos of her doing everyday things with them regularly show up on Dispatch: shopping with Jiyong in Apgujeong, walking home from the ballet studio with Seunghyun, sharing a giant bowl of bingsu with the two of them.

Jiyong normally loves being the center of attention, basking in the adoration of the fans, the admiration of his peers, the hard-won respect of the critics. But now the scrutiny unnerves him, makes him feel raw and exposed. Despite the surprisingly, overwhelmingly positive reception - unthinkable just a few years ago, at the height of the scandal and its aftermath, when he thought they'd never work again - he's still holding his breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

*

Seunghyun is emotionally constipated.

Jiyong blames it on his upbringing. Rich people are always so dysfunctional. 

It used to tear him apart, but now Jiyong actually finds it kind of endearing. It makes the rare times that Seunghyun shows affection all the more special, because he knows the amount of effort it takes for Seunghyun to open up.

So it's no surprise when all he gets from Seunghyun while he's in Busan for the film festival is a picture of the minibar in his hotel room. It's Seunghyun's repressed way of saying he misses him. Probably. Jiyong mopes only a little bit.

On day three of radio silence, he caves and calls Seunghyun. Seunghyun sleeps like the dead, so his phone rings and rings and rings.

"Hi," Seunghyun says when he finally picks up. Jiyong can hear sounds in the background: something sizzling, and a kid's voice. "We were just about to wake you up."

"Are you cooking?" Jiyong asks.

"Yup." The sizzling stops, replaced by a scraping noise. The kid continues chattering.

"In your hotel room?" 

Seunghyun laughs. "No."

Jiyong frowns. "So what, you're at someone's house?"

"Technically."

It's too fucking early to play twenty questions. Jiyong's about to dramatically hang up when the kid suddenly says, "Thungyun-appa!"

Jiyong blinks. 

Then he bolts out of bed.

Sure enough, Seunghyun's in the kitchen, carefully stacking pancakes on a plate. Nari's sitting in her high chair, gleefully attacking a bowl of strawberries.

"Jiyong-appa!" she squeals when she sees him, reaching out with hands covered in bright red goo. Seunghyun glances up. 

"Good morning," he says, grinning. He's wearing a rumpled shirt with the sleeves rolled up, his hair's unstyled, and he's got his glasses on.

He looks so, so _good._

"You're here," Jiyong says, stupidly. "How...?"

"I took the red-eye," Seunghyun says. 

"But you're on the jury," Jiyong presses.

"I am," Seunghyun confirms.

"But you're here," Jiyong says again.

"For now," Seunghyun says. "I have to be back in the airport in two hours." He picks up a bottle of maple syrup and turns back to the pancakes. "Have a seat. I'm almost done."

"Jiyong-appa," Nari says, holding up a fistful of smashed strawberry, "What's this?"

"Strawberry," Jiyong says. 

"Thtrawberry," Nari repeats, then stuffs it into her mouth.

Seunghyun sets down a plate of pancakes before him. "Eat up."

"So," Jiyong says, after two pancakes and a cup of coffee have restored his higher brain functions, "Care to tell me why you're here?"

"I forgot something important," Seunghyun says gravely.

Jiyong raises an eyebrow. "Namely?"

Seunghyun's lips twitch. "My face mask."

"Ah." Jiyong nods solemnly. "That's very important."

"Can't live without it," Seunghyun affirms. 

"You couldn't find any in Busan?" Jiyong asks.

"Oh, there were lots," Seunghyun says. He pauses, then adds, "But I like the one I have here at home best."

"So you just had to go back and get it." It's taking a monumental amount of effort for Jiyong to keep a straight face.

"Three days is a long time to go without a face mask," Seunghyun says, and quickly ducks his head, busying himself with slicing his pancakes.

For a full minute, Jiyong just stares at the top of Seunghyun's head.

"Well," he finally says. "I'm glad you got it."

Seunghyun doesn't look up, but Jiyong sees the corner of his mouth turn up. "Me too."

There are a million things on the tip of Jiyong's tongue, every one of them cheesy and maudlin and embarrassingly earnest, but Nari chooses that moment to smash a strawberry, sending bits of pulp flying everywhere. Seunghyun seizes the chance and beats a hasty retreat, taking his plate to the sink. 

"Nari-yah," Jiyong tells her in a stage whisper as he wipes her sticky face and hands, "I think Seunghyun-appa missed us."

*

One month before they're scheduled to film their first episode, Jiyong gets cold feet.

"I can't believe I let him talk me into this," he tells Seungho. They're at Seoul Fashion Week, waiting for the Chanel show to start. "I can't believe _I'm_ the one freaking out. Did we switch bodies? Fuck."

Seungho looks up from his programme. "What exactly are you worried about?"

"Nari," Jiyong says. "All those cameras following her around. What if she gets traumatized?"

"You were in Little Roo'ra and you turned out mostly okay," Seungho says, and resumes reading.

"The audience," Jiyong says. "What if they don't like Nari?"

 _"Please._ She's adorable." Seungho flips a page. "And I fucking hate kids." 

"What if they think we're bad parents?" Jiyong says. "I mean, I let her eat popcorn for dinner last night. Seunghyun plays Wu-Tang in front of her!"

"She dresses better than most of the people here, thanks to you, and she's like three units away from an art studies degree, thanks to Seunghyun. You're doing fine."

"Of course you'd say that, you're our _friend."_

With a sigh, Seungho puts the programme down. "Look," he says. "You're two gay guys raising a kid in your den of lubricated sin. You could be the Cesar Millan of child-rearing, and people are still going to be assholes. Nothing you do is going to make Siwon stop praying for the state of your eternal souls."

All hail Seungho, dropper of truth bombs.

"But," he continues, when Jiyong starts to speak, "You guys are doing a good thing here. Seriously, this is going to be better than any PSA. So I advise you to unclench." And with that, he turns back to the programme.

The lights dim shortly after, and whatever else Jiyong wants to say is drowned out by loud, thumping music. 

*

A week before filming starts, Jiyong comes home early and finds Seunghyun and Nari in the playroom, their backs to the door. Seunghyun's sitting on the floor, flashcards spread out before him, while beside him, Nari bangs away on the toy drum kit Daesung sent her from Japan. 

Jiyong doesn't announce his presence right away, just stands in the doorway for a few minutes, watching them. 

Seunghyun picks a card and holds it up for Nari to see. "Nari-yah," he says. "What's this?"

She glances up. "Apple."

"That's right," Seunghyun says, in a singsong voice that Jiyong wishes he was recording for its blackmail potential. "And what color is an apple?"

"Red."

"Very good!" Seunghyun holds up another card. "What about this?"

"Banana," she says, then adds, "Yellow."

"Bananas _are_ yellow!" Seunghyun gasps in mock amazement. "Wow, Nari-yah, you're so smart!" 

A giggle escapes Jiyong before he can smother it. Seunghyun turns around, but Jiyong puts a finger to his lips before he can tell Nari to greet him. It's not often he gets to see this; he usually comes home to a cold dinner and a sleeping toddler. Seunghyun winks at him before turning back to Nari.

"Nari-yah," he says, stroking her fine black hair. "Jiyong-appa's being sneaky." 

"Sneaky?" Nari asks curiously, head tilted to the side, a gesture no doubt picked up from Seunghyun.

"It means he's keeping secrets." Seunghyun leans toward her conspiratorially. "But we have a secret too, right?"

Nari nods enthusiastically.

"And what's our secret?"

She touches her forehead to his and says, very carefully, "Nari and Thungyun-appa love Jiyong-appa more than chocolate milk."

It's totally scripted - they must have spent all afternoon practicing it - but Jiyong smiles so hard it hurts.

*

The night before the camera crew arrives, Dami comes over to babysit, and Jiyong and Seunghyun go out for dinner at their favorite barbecue place. The staff are discreet, so they take the Aventador and don't bother with face masks.

"I made a list of things for you to do," Jiyong says as he watches Seunghyun prod the meat on the grill experimentally. "It's on the fridge." He put shit like _root canal_ and _flu shot_ just to fuck with him.

Seunghyun smirks. "But we're allowed to do our own stuff."

Jiyong eyes him suspiciously. "Please don't tell me you're taking her to an art museum."

"But there's a Francis Bacon retrospective at the MMCA - "

_"Hyung."_

Seunghyun rolls his eyes. "I'm joking." 

They continue bickering, a familiar back-and-forth routine of Seunghyun teasing and Jiyong (mostly) pretending to get pissed, as the meat finishes cooking and they start eating. Eventually the conversation drifts to other topics. 

"Our anniversary's coming up," Jiyong says. Seunghyun makes an affirmative noise. "How do you feel about spending it in Bali? We could spend a week there, make a holiday out of it."

Seunghyun looks up from the lettuce wrap he's making. "A week?" he asks, eyes comically wide. "Can you survive being away from the office that long? You might go into withdrawal."

Jiyong gives him a withering look. "Very funny."

Seunghyun grins, unrepentant, but says, "A week in Bali sounds nice. I saw the pictures Seungri sent to the group. It looks amazing."

"He's the one who gave me the idea," Jiyong admits. "He wants us to put up a hotel there." It's the latest in their series of joint ventures, dating back to when Jiyong started the record label and Seungri was his first investor.

"So basically, you're using our anniversary for market research." Seunghyun shakes his head. "And you say _I'm_ the unromantic one?"

Jiyong throws a piece of kimchi at him.

*

It's a familiar scene: Jiyong and Seunghyun are sitting on the sofa, with Nari on Seunghyun's lap, while Not-Donghwan sits on the ottoman facing them. But now, the floor-to-ceiling windows are covered in black cloth to block out the afternoon light, and Not-Donghwan is flanked by crew members holding an assortment of cameras, microphones, and lights.

"Aaand... _action,"_ Not-Donghwan says.

 _"Annyeong haseyo,"_ Jiyong and Seunghyun say in unison, bowing deeply to the camera.

 _"Annyeong haseyo,"_ Nari echoes, and clumsily bows as well. 

"I'm Jiyong," Jiyong says. "I'm the CEO of GD Entertainment."

"I'm Seunghyun," Seunghyun says. "I'm an actor."

"And this," Jiyong says, gesturing at Nari, "is our daughter, Nari."

Seunghyun gives Nari a gentle nudge, pointing to the camera, and she gives a timid wave, uncharacteristically shy in the face of so many strangers.

Not-Donghwan starts asking them questions, and with each answer, Jiyong feels himself relax incrementally. 

Later, Nari will start fussing, and she and Seunghyun will have to go off-camera, leaving Jiyong to continue the interview alone. 

Later still, an editor will insert a montage after their introductions, comprised of clips showing Jiyong and Seunghyun at work and at home, a mix of footage from the YG vaults and home videos filmed on their phones. 

Eventually, their first episode will become the highest-rated in the show's history.


End file.
